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85 Crazy things to do at a mall


1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.

8. Stomp on unopened tomato ketchup packets at Burger King...

9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food."

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from "Dianetics."

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War II.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular television set is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture."

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tv's that play only in Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Like a Virgin."

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz."

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw."

36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a pram(stroller), and someone to push you around in it.

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell." Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof."

42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.

45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.

51. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realise it.

52. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

53. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

54. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

55. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

56. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.

57. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

59. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

60. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

61. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

62. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

63. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and mumble, 'It's those voices again'.

64. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

65. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

66. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

67. "Test" the tooth brushes. Afterwards, place them back on the shelves in their packaging.

68. Buy some food at different places in the food court and take it in blanket to the center of the mall and set up a picnic.

69. Walk up to complete strangers and say,"Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. and see if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

70. Ride Escalators up and down.

71. Take objects off counters and place them in unsuspecting shoper's baggages.

72. Place "Kick me " signs on unsuspecting mall security guards.

73. Trip old people (mean but fun).

74. Ride the elevator all day long.

75. Unleash a box full of ants in stores.

76. Pretend you are answering to someone very loudley, when people tell you to be quiet yell"Shut up i am talking to the voices".

77. At fast food restaurant areas, show people your scabs, blisters and moles.

78. Well people are about to buy a video game tell them its not so good, the trick is to see how many people you can convince not to buy a game.

79. Ask Mall cops lots of questions(this works well if you have a friend for stealing distractions:} )

80. When someone enters a store, put a sticker on them revieling your the(number)'th customer to enter the store, enjoy your stay.

81. Stand by picture booths, when a couple is about to take a picture, immedialey jump in with a good excuse.

82. Do cartwheels all around the mall.

83. Buy a new swimsuit and wear it in the fountain.

84. Free the animals in the pet store, tell the store owner the voices in your head told you to complete this task.

85. Switch price tags on items around the store and really confuse customers and the store staff.