Dear Mr. Claus,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every
year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing
skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake
tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to
ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas,
or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me,
you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my
holiday wish list for 2004...
1) A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy,
oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you
have any idea what it feels like to have Nylon and Velcro up
2) Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.
Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap
out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like
3) A REAL man. Hey, maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take
Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy toy Ken.
And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to
suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically
4) Arms that actually bend, so I can push the
aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5) Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you
have to twist, just get it done.
6) A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7) A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't
cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a
public relations senior account exec!
8) A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete
with a mini container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice
cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my
very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of
spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie,"
sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of
9) No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking
10) Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution
to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If
you disagree, then you can find yourself a new girl for next
Christmas. It's just that simple.