Evan's Website

1100 Ways to be annoying

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

3. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Push all the flat lego pieces together tightly.

6. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.

7. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

8. Sniffle incessantly.

9. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

10. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

11. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace.

12. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

13. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

14. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

15. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

16. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

17. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

18. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

19. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

20. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

21. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

22. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

23. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

24. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

25. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

26. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

27. Honk and wave to strangers.

28. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

29. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

30. Mispronounce someone's first name.

31. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.


33. only type in lowercase.

34. dont use any punctuation either

35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

39. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

40. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

41. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

42. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

43. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

44. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

45. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

46. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

47. Ask people what gender they are.

48. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

49. Get light bulbs from the hall when you need them in your apartment.

50. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

51. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

52. Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any money they win.

53. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

54. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

55. Wear a LOT of cologne.

56. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

57. Take the filling out of oreos back in the tray and eat the cookie part only.

58. Spell out profane words in your front lawn with weed killer.

59. Kiss strange people of either gender.

60. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

61. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

62. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

63. Never make eye contact.

64. Never break eye contact.

65. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

66. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

67. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

68. Ask people to donate to your favorite charity--yourself.

69. Explode a lot.

70. Bring your puppy into fancy restaurants.

71. Purposely crash into walls and insist it never happened.

72. Slap someone every time they say "potato".

73. Sneeze on people.

74. Bother people you don't know.

75. Accidentally misspell wurdz.

76. Have an over-active imagination.

77. Write a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, long sentence.

78. Throw dishes at people when they talk too much.

79. Tell people to shut up when they start to talk.

80. Tell people to shut up when you think they might start talking.

81. Bother people you don't know by loudly ripping paper.

82. Bounce objects off bald guy's heads. (no offense to bald guys :))

83. Tell people you're from the future and that they will die within 24 hours.

84. Then tell them again.

85. And again.

86. And one more time for good measure. But don't overdo it.

87. Overdo it anyway.

88. Claim you have split personalities and argue with yourself.

89. Then have your third personality join in.

90. Steal people's pens.

91. Toss things out windows of a very tall building.

92. Let your Yorkshire terrier chew the tar out of someone's briefcase.

93. Then in front of the owner give the dog a biscuit and tell it "good job, but you missed a spot."

94. Don't bathe.

95. Then tell people it's a new fragrance from France.

96. Laugh if they believe you.

97. Don't bathe your dog.

98. And bring it to a wedding.

99. Repeat rules 94-96 aloud to make people thing you're psycho.

100. Put a dog in your backpack and bring it to school, saying your dog ate your schoolbooks, so you couldn't do your homework.

101. Run around, screaming and flailing your arms like a lunatic.

102. Collect animal eggs and store them in your medicine cabinet for nosy people to be surprised when they check it.

103. Purposely make someone get an error and disconnect from AOL IM.

104. Make people believe you're an AOL hacker by having an evil address.

105. Use the phrase "hehe" a lot.

106. Lie about EVERYTHING and make it obvious that you are.

107. Make up your own internet-ese and type it to people and see if they understand.

108. Be really stupid.

109. Make a list of annoying things.

109. Use the same number twice.

110. Ring people's doorbells and say you're from Publishers' Clearing House, telling them they didn't win a prize.

111. Spin your head in circles.

112. Smack people in the face and claim it's an arm spasm.

114. Skip numbers in a numbered list.

23. Then add a number from out of nowhere.

115. At restaurants, eat food off other people's plates while they stare at you in amazement.

116. Gain 200 pounds and order four pizzas from a pizza place, then insist on not paying because they were ten seconds late.

117. Visit a friend and replace all their silverware with chopsticks.

118. Bring fast food into another restaurant.

119. Steal the deal in euchre until someone notices.

120. Play 52-card pickup by yourself in front of everyone.

121. On every scrap of paper you find, scribble 'Happy Valentine's Day'; and give it to people.

122. Scatter camouflaged objects all over the floor and laugh at people that trip.

123. Take off your socks and toss them randomly around your house, and take note of who passes out.

124. Throw a party at a friend's house while he/she are gone, leave a mess, then insist it was a surprise party. 'Surprise! We trashed your house!'

125. Strew fly paper all over the floor in the public restroom.

126. Talk in a really high-pitched voice.

127. Never change the tone of your voice This means no feeling emphasis emotion or punctuation of any kind

128. Prop your feet up on a computer desk and insist you type with your feet.

129. End all your sentences with question marks?

130. Play golf with a friend, and launch all his/her golf balls into a lake, one after the other.

131. Add another annoying thing to the end of this list every time you receive it, and send it to everyone you know, including the person that sent this to you.(Send one to me as well, please)

132. Go burn the Puerto Rican flag.

133. Go to Lebanon, and burn their flag while claiming that you're a member of Hammas.

134. Yell out "that's gotta hurt" every time that someone dies in a movie.

135. Swat at the air for no reason so people will think that you're crazy.

136. When you go to shake someone's hand, sniff them for no reason.

137. Talk with a Russian accent.

138. Put. periods. after. all. words.

139. Don'tputspacesbetweenwords.

140. Or forget rules 132-135 and imitate every action of the most recent Seinfeld.

141. Try putting a CD in the slot for a 3.5" floppy and then say, "It doesn't fit."

142. Wear glitter eye shadow for no reason.

143. Say "no?" after every sentence so the person you're talking to doesn't know whether to say "yes" or "no" or something else.

144. Put your hair like Kramer's for no apparent reason.

145. In the middle of "Men in Black", get up & scream, "BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY!"

146. Eat everything you see.

147. Eat nothing you see.

148. When people ask if they can have your phone number (or anything else of yours) say you'll have to talk to your lawyer first.

149. Ask people what the word "the" means.

150. Ask strangers where babies come from.

151. Ramble at people in Russian.

152. If they understand you, knock them unconscious with a Wrench.

153. Or a Candlestick.

154. Or a Lead Pipe.

155. Talk about soap opera characters as if they are real.

156. Pretend video games are real.

157. Chop down telephone poles.

158. Drive a large vacuum down the road.

159. Or try a ride-on lawn mower.

160. Repeat something.

161. Repeat something.

162. Repeatedly give your friends lists of ways to be annoying.

163. Make up unreasonable stories and try to get people to believe you.

164. Sell iceboxes to people in Alaska.

165. Take over the world.

166. Show people that you can count to a million.

167. Tell people you'll be a DJ when you grow up.

168. Purposely stand in someone's way until they get the nerve to ask you to move.

169. Laugh at everything someone says especially right in the middle of sentences.

170. Laugh and point at someone for no reason.

171. Stop talking in the middle of

172. Erect a 50-foot billboard in front of your house.

173. Insist that French West Africa still exists.

174. Tell people that you are from the Afrika Corps.

175. Tell people that you can't do that because it is against your religion.

176. Drive on the wrong side of the road.

177. Don't tip the guy who parks your car at an elegant restaurant.

178. Tell people the truth (whether it is what they want to hear or not.).

>179. Put > symbols before all lines >in an e-mail.

180. When walking down a sidewalk, walk into people. When they try to get out of the way, move in their way.

181. Ask people questions as you walk with them.

182. Launch bottle rockets into your neighbor's yard and then declare war.

183. .sdrawkcab etirW

184. Drive into the back-ends of others and tell them that you thought that it was bumper cars.

185. Dress in all one color.

186. Ask people what they want to be when they grow up.

187. Go to work with the flu.

188. Burn fiction books.

189. Have a powwow in Red Square.

190. Cut down your neighbors' trees and tell them that you are clearing the old growth so that there isn't a forest fire.

191. Don't answer your phone.

192. Don't read your mail.

193. Put no trespassing signs up in your yard.

194. Pour "Lawn Be-gone" on your neighbor's lawn.

195. Park your car in the middle of the road so no one can get to where they want to go.

196. Cut your grass at three in the morning.

197.Wear a cowboy hat inside public buildings.

198. Put plastic explosives inside the abandoned building down the street from where you live and set them off at three in the morning.

0199. Put zeros before numbers and tell people that they look good there.

200. Shine very bright light into people's eyes.

201. Post bio-hazard signs in your yard.

202. Pronounce numbers such as .4 as forty hundredths instead of four tenths.

203. Send the same e-mail through 3 or 4 times.

204. Send it through again.

205. Ask someone the same question over, and over again. When they finally tell you to shut up and that you've asked them that question already ten times, tell them, "I was just going to ask you that."

206. Wear a "for sale" sign around your neck.

207. Place a sign stating: "Could be radioactive" on your lawn.

208. Bleach your hair, just so you can look stupid.

209. Wear two-toned shoes.

210. Tell people that there is a right way and a wrong way to eat a potato.

211. Loan out empty pens.

212. Type in bright green size 3 font.

213. Put magnets up to disks; say that it is an experiment to see whether something will happen to it.

214. Laugh at stuff that isn't funny at all.

215. Don't laugh at stuff that is funny.

216. When making a list of annoying things for your friend to edit, skip numbers so they have to create annoying things themselves. Like I do on a few in this list.(There's only a few though)

217. Call people, then hang up on them when they pick up.

218. Wear sunglasses in the night.

219. Make up jokes that make no sense whatsoever.

220. Devise a plan to take over the world.

221. Cough on others.

222. Sneeze over, and over, and over again.

223. Fall asleep while someone is talking to you.

224. W

225. Go to bookstores to read their books without buying them.

226. Change the rules in the middle of a game.

227. Tell people to 'Beware the ides of March.'

228. Talk very loudly in public.

229. Teach photosynthesis to your friends.

230. Without words.

231. Try to find an acute angle that doesn't measure between 0 and 90 degrees.

232. Walk really slowly.

233. Sing in Gaelic or other strange languages.

234. Slobber on tablecloths in restaurants.

235. Whistle incessantly.

236. Talk to people while they are concentrating on something else.

237. Format all the disks in your house "for fun".

238. Type reports in some really strange font such as "French Script MT".

239. Don't do what you are told to.

240. abbr. wds (Abbreviate words).

241.Point at people with extremely large ears.

242. Park in the handicapped section and if you get a ticket, say that you are mentally handicapped and that's probably why you parked there anyway.

243. Pronounce words incorrectly.

244. Talk during a movie.

245. Cannonball into a 3-foot deep pool.

246. Ring someone's doorbell, then run away. When they answer the door, call them from your cellular phone.

247. Write very very long run on sentences that can be very very confusing to read.

248. Write stories in prose.

249. Become nocturnal. Sleep in class.

250. Write a poem about annoying things.

251. When reading, pause briefly after each comma, period, semi-colon, or any other form of punctuation.

252. Ignore people when they talk to you, and then start talking to them.

253. Bring your 160-lb pig into a friend's house, and laugh as it demolishes their house.

254. Scream for absolutely no reason.

255. Drop things.

256. Buy a mansion, a Knife, a Rope, a Revolver, a Wrench, a Lead Pipe, and a Candlestick, and then invite six friends over for some fun.

257. Play 'Spot the Car' everywhere you go. Rules: when you see a car pass your vehicle, scream 'THERE'S A CAR!' and if it's not a car, then don't yell. Especially fun with hyper people.

258. Play hide-and-seek alone.

259. Remodel every room in your house to look like a bathroom.

260. Remodel every room in someone else's house to look like a bathroom.

261. Stare at someone across the room.

262. Run into restaurants, insist that green Jell-O is after you and you need to hide in the kitchen.

263. Tell people to 'Watch where I'm going.'

264. Read aloud at the library.

265. Hold your own million-man march.

266. Have a discussion over the Pythagorean Theorem.

267. Watch and discuss boring movies.

268. Bring your own condiments to restaurants for 'sanitary reasons.'

269. Perform the macarena.

270. Escribe en español cuándo todos no comprenden.

271. Write a paper comprised entirely of footnotes/endnotes.

272. Borrow your neighbor's lawn mower in the winter.

273. Have a bonfire indoors.

274. Suck up to somebody.

275. Spell potato like Dan Quayle.

276. Become an architect and design a room with no doors.

277. Scientifically discover the meaning of life.

278. Wear a white coat and talk loudly to yourself.

279. Send chain letters and sign your name.

280. Go to a foreign country and tell people they talk funny.

281. Smack people in the back and say you wanted to see if their face stuck that way.

282. Write a paper comprised of cliches.

283. Be a hyper junior high teacher that drinks too much Diet Coke (we'll never forget you, Miss LeRoux!).

284. Ride a pogo stick indoors.

285. And wear a beanie.

286. Break promises.

287. Explain jokes.

288. Create a shrine to some evil person.

289. Write things that makes no sense.

290. Reenact a war in your house.

291. Tell people you're a circus freak.

292. Tell people you want to be a circus freak.

293. Be a circus freak.

294. Triple space a report or use size 28 font, or both.

295. Fake your death.

296. Search for a vaccine for stupidity.

297. Give IOU's as birthday presents.

298. Use Word to draw a picture instead of paint.

299. Say the word 'Jeepers!' or 'Golly!' after everything someone says.

300. Steal things from your friends in front of their face.

301. Promise you'll return them, then follow rule 286.

302. Breathe really loud.

303. Test drive new cars just for fun.

304. Write a very long book about some people in England and France.

305. Make sure that the book has a stupid ending too.

306. Sing along when listening to the radio.

307. Carry around a briefcase in school.

308. Wear a lot of make-up.

309. Buy a siren and turn it on as you drive down the road.

310. When people ask you questions, answer: "I can't remember."

311. Loan people money and charge 25% interest per month.

312. Make people sign a contract to borrow a pen.

313-320. Ways to be annoying in Australia:

313. Point at someone with your index finger.

314. Yawn without covering your mouth.

315. Or excusing yourself.

316. Blow your nose in public.

317. Make the peace sign.

318. Wink at women.

319. Touch someone while talking to them.

320. Walk between two talking people.

321. Randomly disconnect yourself from AOL.

322. Ask idiot questions for spite.

323. Ask people to get to the point because you'd rather not listen.

324. Ask "What if" questions every 3 seconds.

325. Scribble in someone's books as if they were coloring books.

326. Buy an Australian hockey team.

327. Spell e-mail addresses wrong so people never get the message.

328. IM someone every day.

329. Define words using the word in the definition.

330. Say 'whoops' a lot.

331 State the obvious.

332. Say "Duh!" after everything someone says.

333. Fire a 21 cannon salute at 3 in the morning

334. Electrocute stuff.

335. Randoly omt leters frm yor sentencs.

336. Pretend to be a mime.

337. Build a large steeple atop your house and ring the bell accordingly for every hour.

338. Shine a large floodlight into your neighbor's bedroom at two in the morning.

339. Tell corny jokes to someone and guffaw at them until you cough and sputter all over the unlucky person.

340. Be smarter than me.

341. Be dumber than me.

342. Pull coins out from unsuspecting victims' ears.

343. Drink fingernail polish for breakfast.

344. Show everyone you know your "deformed frog collection" from Mrs. Yats.

345. Make jokes about death and laugh as if they are hilariously funny.

346. Shred your parent's tax receipts before April 15.

347. Wear neon pink spandex outfits everywhere.

348. Go to the library, and randomly rearrange the books.

349. Go to the bookstore, and randomly rearrange the books.

350. Take all of the toilet paper in the restrooms out and use it to decorate your enemy's trees.

351. Make sure to get it up to the top.

352. Make hand gestures about every 2 seconds while talking to someone.

353. Spin in circles and get dizzy for an excuse to crash into people.

354. Or simply crash into people.

355. Chew on everything you find.

356. Play poker in class/on the job.

357. Stack the deck in euchre until someone realizes that you received three lone hands in a row.

358. Play '20,000 Questions.'

359. Invent a game that is so stupid and pointless that everyone wins and no one cares.

360. Mumble to yourself while giving a presentation.

361. Pause a second after every word and 5 seconds after every sentence while giving a report.

362. Make advertisements about your family vacation.

363. Invent a game that is so violent/messy that the contestants are unrecognizable after playing.

364. Complain that 'the game cheats.'

365. Have five eights in your hand when playing crazy eights.

366. Play B.S. with two people.

367. When playing Monopoly, put two hotels on Boardwalk.

368. Make Kings and Aces wild in poker.

369. Blow up coral reefs.

370. At 1:00 in the morning.

371. Run boats into coral, and perhaps drops anchors on them.

372. Be proud of it.

373. Own a 55-gallon drum of poison.

374. Put it on display.

375. Pollute.

376. Smile sweetly enough of cause tooth decay.

377. Secede from your country.

378. Count the number of annoying things you've done.

379. Criticize these rules.

380. Mow your lawn in the rain.

381. Throw a gallon of ice cream in someone's swimming pool.

382. Question everything someone says.

383. Create a bogus tourist attraction.

384. Point the blame elsewhere.

385. Take a vacation in a motorhome and call it camping.

386. Install central air in your tent.

387. Create a series about nothing and cancel it while it's number one.

388. Try to prove a postulate.

389. Invent your own language.

390. Never speak for yourself.

391. Start a cult.

392. Possess someone.

393. Shoot your neighbor's dog with a silver bullet and claim you thought it was a werewolf.

394. Melt people without permission.

395. Take the credit from someone.

396. Write a mystery with no solution.

397. Carry a Lead Pipe around.

398. Show off a lot.

399. Whine constantly.

400. Cheer for people that do their homework correctly.

401. Desperately search for ways to be annoying.

402. Name your daughter Gertrude or some other old name.

403. Use potato chips instead of poker chips.

404. Eat the ante.

405. Be too nice.

406. Be too perfect.

407. Drool in a book.

408. Try to rub your eyes with your elbow.

409. Tell people where to put their feet.

410. Wear a 3 foot high hat everywhere.

411. B.S. a report.

412. Place arsenic with your spices.

413. Don' use he leer ''.

414. Make a story with no point.

415. Fish with dynamite.

416. Hunt with dynamite.

417. Build a house out of dynamite.

418. Put it on the real estate market.

419. Begin a franchise of shops that sell jewelry and frozen yogurt.

420. Use the Wingdings font for anything and everything.

421. Attempt to decode the Wingdings font.

422. Set every clock you see ahead four hours.

423. Create a rental movie of static.

424. Tape a thumbtack to your doorbell.

425. Encourage people to sleep on beds of pointy needles.

426. Laugh aloud at a book.

427. Laugh aloud at this book.

428. Barge into a converstion.

429. Constantly change the subject.

430. Send e-mails one letter at a time.

431. Send a friend a COD for his/her birthday.

432. Tape episodes of 'Barney and Friends.'

433. Contradict yourself. 'No, don't'

434. Create a business card without owning a business.

435. Yell at your TV when a contestant chooses the wrong letter on 'Wheel of Fortune.'

436. Or on Jeopardy when the contestant gets the wrong question.

437. Ask questions you know no one can answer.

438. Fake a hyperventilation.

439. Never brush your teeth.

440. Chew with your mouth open.

441. Talk with food in your mouth.

442. Scrape silverware against your teeth.

443. Repeat phrase frequently.

444. Smile smugly.

445. Print 6 copies of everything.

446. Change the default setting in word to Wingdings, size 3, yellow, with three inch margins all around.

447. Pull pranks on May 1st because 'April Fools Day is too predictable.'

448. Ask people what their pet peeves are and then perform them.

449. Ask too many questions.

450. Yell really loud.

451. Raise you voice five octaves when you're annoyed.

452. Talk inaudibly.

453. Make excuses.

454. Sue people. Waste our time. And your money.

455. Torture people by hanging them by their toenails.

456. Sink large ships.

457. Tell people they are possessed by an evil entity.

458. Point people in the wrong direction.

459. Jump on someone else's bed.

460. Serve pink chicken.

461. Return restaurant food because it's too plain.

462. Refuse to pay a restaurant bill.

463. Break everything in a restaurant.

464. Find flaws in people.

465. Prove people wrong.

466. If you can't, insist they're wrong anyway.

467. Build and open another McDonalds.

468. Build and open another 7-Eleven.

469. Put someone out of business.

470. Settle disputes by dueling.

471. Tell people they're rude.

472. Forget everything.

473. Be greedy.

474. Scare people.

475. Be sarcastic. It's fun.

476. Be gullible.

477. Wash your car in the rain.

478. Constantly chew on tin foil.

479. Say it's good for you.

480. Write "Kick me" on the backs of someone's shirt.

481. Be completely ignorant of the world.

482. Shove people out of trees.

483. Shove people down stairs.

484. While they're in a wheelchair.

485. Sit outside in the dead of winter under pine trees.

486. Pour acid on your lawn so weeds don't grow.

487. Name any and all of your children Gene Finny.

488. Name someone so their initials spell a word.

489. Accuse people of being insane.

490. Or be insane yourself.

491. Run like Forrest Gump.

492. Jump hurdles in the snow.

493. Wave your crutches at everyone you know--or don't know.

494. Tell people to 'hurry.'

495. Or 'hurry faster.'

496. Tell people to run while they're wearing skis.

497. Ask everyone who Crispian is and why he has scars.

498. Fake a world War.

499. Speak in Latin.

500. Hold your own Olympics.

501. With trash cans and snowshoe races.

502. In the summer.

503. Demand people call you psycho.

504. Then say they're lying.

505. Curl up and sleep in the snow.

506. In the summer.

507. Applaud for no reason.

508. Make people write critical analyses for no reason.

509. Compare and contrast people in different works for no reason.

510. Own a dozen empty ink pens.

511. Hide behind dead bushes in the winter.

512. Convince people you are invisible.

513. Change writing utensils in the middle of a paper.

514. Mock a courtroom.

515. Be a biased judge.

516. Pick unripened fruit and sell it.

517. Sell heaters in Arizona.

518. Lend pencils with broken leads.

519. Insist they don't sharpen them.

520. Wear down the tips on markers.

521. Take all the lead out of borrowed mechanical pencils.

522. Assume all girls are named Sally and all boys are Fred.

523. Lock yourself out of your car.

524. Use duct tape to repair everything.

525. Call authority figures by first name.

526. Always assume.

527. Always plead the Fifth Amendment.

528. Ignore lawn maintenance.

529. Protest violence with bombs and 55-gallon tanks of cyanide.

530. Spit at people.

531. Step on the backs of people's shoes.

532. Watch a movie and see it again, telling people what will happen.

533. Print reports on black construction paper.

534. Jump on you neighbor's trampoline when you have your own.

535. Have an idiot sister.

536. That is also a brat.

537. Attack people with glue.

538. Send hate mail and sign your name on it.

539. Disorganize someone.

540. Force people to read this.

541. Practice faking an injury in front of someone.

542. Then really get injured.

543. Cry 'wolf' in downtown New York.

544. Smack people with rulers.

545. Tap pens on desks.

546. Copy copyrighted things.

547. Run amok.

548. Stand someone up.

549. Pretend you know complete strangers.

550. Treat someone out to dinner, but with a five dollar budget.

551. Read these aloud over and over.

552. Laugh every time.

553. Get people in trouble for no reason.

554. Hold down computer keys.

555. Rip the last 10 pages out of every book.

556. At movie theaters when someone asks you if they can sit in the seat besides you, start screaming that you friend is sitting there.

557. During math class say, "I don't understand."

558. Then say it again.

559. Catch a cold and sniff incessantly.

560. Lock your sister or brother out of your house- leaving a note that says, "HA! HA! You can't get in."

561. When you call your friends and they aren't home, start conversations with their parents.

562. Run around your neighborhood screaming at the top of your lungs, "HE is here, because I failed HIM!!"

563. Never let anyone know what he or she wants to know.

564. Find pi to the nearest 50,000 digits.

565. Memorize it.

566. Weave in and out of traffic.

567. Drive backwards.

568. With your eyes closed.

569. Tie someone's shoelaces together.

570. Highlight every word in a paper.

571. Repeatedly take things apart and put them back together.

572. Turn radios and TV sets up very loud before turning them off.

573. Send an empty envelope to strange people.

574. Send an envelope with doughnut powder to federal buildings in Washington, DC.

575. Drive without a license.

576. Reenact scenes from your favorite TV show.

577. Watch the Weather Channel all day.

578. Launch beehives into people's homes.

579. Color-code your socks.

580. Alphabetize your cabinets, and list an index on the inside of the door.

581. Hold a parade every day in various places for the joy of blocking traffic.

582. Send a SASE to a friend.

583. Become a delivery person just to drive around a large truck.

584. Change the direction a stop sign is facing.

585. Buy hideous home furnishings and give them to friends for birthday presents.

586. Send someone the same birthday card every year.

587. Send someone three dozen different birthday cards in the same year.

588. When it's not their birthday.

589. Sue people for trivial amounts of money.

590. Constantly talk.

591. Never talk.

592. Be a mime.

593. Paint your house fluorescent green.

594. Play Ping-Pong with yourself.

595. Borrow a cup of water from a neighbor.

596. Bite people.

597. Smack people in the face for no reason.

598. Be a brat.

599. Name your child "dlsafyielayreklrhlk" and insist it's pronounced "Al."

600. Check for e-mail every 4.5 seconds.

601. Send one-word e-mails.

602. Send yourself e-mail.

603. Rearrange someone who color codes everything.

604. Call your friends and tell them you're taking a vow of silence.

605. Break into someone's report on a computer and randomly cut and paste everything.

606. Put a Warhead in a glass of water before eating it.

607. Wear a tie as a belt.

608. Create extra spaces between numbers. Like I do in this list.

609. Create extra spaces in random places in lists. Like I do in this list.

610. Repeat ways in different parts of the list like I have.(There are some repeats on here)

611. Overdo references to this list.

612. (Overdo on the comments)

613. Hyphenate-between-every-word-in-a-sentance.

614. Be a door-to-door salesperson.

615. Wear shorts in Fairbanks, Alaska.

616. Wear Long Johns in Ft.Lauderdale, Florida.

617. Dye your beard or moustache any color you want.

618. Throw pennies in public aquariums.

619. Get a 1-900 number just to make money.

620. Create a phony charity and see how many people donate to it.

621. Change fonts in the middle of a report.

622. Talk to people through a puppet on your hand.

623. Pretend to choke on your finger.

624. Make a noose out of your hair. (Probably applies only to people with ponytails)

625. Pretend to pick your nose & wipe it on the person next to you.

626. Pretend you're typing when talking to someone.

627. Then, stop mid-sentence and pretend to look for a computer key.

628. Sing weird songs, then pass a hat around demanding change.

629. Wear a name tag that says: "Why do u want 2 know my name?"

630. Repeat lines from your favorite movie or television show.

631. Every thirty seconds.

632. Scream in the middle of the night, and in the morning insist you were sleeping.

633. Talk to everyone as if they were a dog.

634. Tell them to "sit."

635. Offer them dog biscuits.

636. Tell them to 'fetch' you the newspaper.

637. Tell people they are in your will even if they aren't.

638. When giving directions leave out a turn or two.

639. Remind people who loose their job they probably should have worked harder.

640. If you have to give blood, at least make a show of it.

641. Tuck a twenty dollar bill or two in with your driver's license, so a trooper will get the hint.

642. Make jokes about terrorists at the boarding gate.

643. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making reservations.

644. Don't do anything until you have been asked twice.

645. Tell people what you expect them to give you for your birthday.

646. Focus on winning and to hell with how you play the game.

647. Free cable TV is a shady electrician away.

648. Send smutty birthday cards to your in-laws.

649. Announce when you intend to go to the bathroom.

650. Borrow handkerchief's to blow your nose.

651. Curse at the umpire in a little league game.

652. If you do something nice, make sure everyone knows about it.

653. See what it takes to get the lifeguard to blow the whistle.

654. Don't rewind rental videos.

655. When someone asks for your phone number give them the number of a mental help hotline.

656. Write an entire novel with 5,000 semi-colons and only one period.

657. Paw at someone's head while moaning "brains...brains..."

658. When posting news aritcles, be sure to incorrectly set the word wrapping so that a few words dribble over past the end of each line in your message.

659. Write long, windy letters to the mailbag page of comic books.

660. Carry a blank protest sign.

661. Send frequent press releases to the local papers detailing the progress of your personal hygiene.

662. Tell knock-knock jokes.

663. Tlel Yo momma jokes.

664. Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

665. When pressed for time, write an essay about writing essays.

666. Sing Satanic metal songs in a holy place like an Abbey or a Christian school.

667. When really, really pressed for time, write an essay about writing essays about writing essays.

668. Attempt to make popcorn with a hair dryer.

669. Roam the neighborhood digging for buried treasure.

670. Crack your knuckles, neck, back, arms, knees, and whatever other of your appendages produce disconcerting noises. Given a sufficiently rickety skeletal system, you may be ready to start again by the time you've finished them all once.

671. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

672. Mount a chandelier on the front of your car's hood.

673. Buy a toupee for your two-year-old.

674. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

675. Chug water from an empty vodka bottle.

676. Rip the heads off Gummi bears and attach them to differently colored bodies. Assemble little armies of these Gummi undead and re-enact famous Civil War battles on your desktop.

677. Poke a very tiny hole in a soda can, shake it up vigorously, and leave it on a shelf or ledge in a congested area with the pinhole facing outwards.

678. Include your gerbil in your will; leave him your motorcycle.

679. Petition to become your own legal guardian.

680. While they are otherwise distracted, staple people's clothes together.

681. Make home movies of your bug zapper.

682. Install strobe lights in your bathroom.

683. Camp recursively: pitch a tent inside a tent.

684. Start an all-tambourine band.

685. Talk in a monster voice.

686. Imitate the voices of the people you talk to.

687. Sniff people's food at restaurants.

688. Take a little food off people's plates

689. In a fine dining restaurant

690. Try to look at other people's cards when playing poker or other card games.

691. Use Monopoly money like real money.

692. Use KISSopoly money like real money.

693. Try to buy KISS concert tickets with KISSopoly money.

694. Leave flaming bags of poop on people's doorsteps.(A very funny prank)

695. Do the Tarzan Yell as loud as you can for 15 minutes straight.

696. In your neighborhood block.

697. At 2:00 in the morning.

698. Howl at the moon.

699. Send viruses to your contacts' emails

700. When people call you, pretend you're a telephone answering machine.

701. Get caller ID so you can call them by name when you pick up the phone.

702. Be a telephone solicitor.

703. Stand next to a "No parking, standing, stopping" sign.

704. Turn your headphones on full blast and walk into an elevator or car pool.

705. Blow out a candle and blame it on the person next to you.

706. Stop strangers and tell them about your mom and how she was in the carnival.

707. Wear alarming combinations of pink and green and comment about everyone else's fashion sense.

708. Go through drive thrus, order a LOT of food, and leave without picking it up

709. In a store, break all the crayons and put them back in the boxes.

710. Insist on keeping your windshield wipers running in all weather conditions to "Keep them tuned up."

711. Practice making fax and modem noises.

712. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

713. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

714. Scotch tape down the "hang-up button" on your co-workers phone.

715. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

716. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."

717. Tell your friends 5 days prior that you can't attend their party because you are not in the mood.

718. Type all "X's" to fill a page, in 9 point size; then on the same piece of paper repeat with 12 point; increase the point size to 16 point change to upper case "W's." When you have a complete page of garble, make 2 additional copies and fax them to someone that just got a new fax machine. Wait 3 minutes and fax 3 blank pages.

719. Fill your web page with inside jokes that only you and one other person will understand.

720. Flash really long sentences repeatedly and use really small font (like this) so they take a really long time to read and the person that is reading the sentence will either get really confused or get a really big headache and lie down for a while, or both.

721. In web pages that people may spend a long time in, play annoying music and loop it forever.

722. Try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

723. When someone is tailgating you, slow down gradually to a complete stop.

724. Open a can of soup so the lid falls on, show everyone, and then serve it to them.

725. Don't ever put anything back in a box the way it came.

726. Purposely stuck food to your teeth before you publicly speak.

727. Slice your tongue licking an envelope.

728. Wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket so all the laundry comes out covered with lint.

729. Set the alarm on your digital clock for random times.

730. Rub on hand cream and then smear it all over the bathroom doorknob before you get out.

731. Tell people you can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

732. Don't remove the ice from your public building so I can slip on it.

733. Recite these one-liners!

734. Play nursery rhymes on the banjo.

735. Make fifty Xerox copies of your face and use them as Christmas cards.

736. See how much gum you can fit in your mouth and still chew.

737. Give your friends' phone numbers to Army recruiters.

738. Ask the teacher to paddle you, and make a show of enjoying it.

739. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

740. Periodically fish your jawbreaker out of you mouth to see what color it's turned.

741. Grow a mustache and beard on only one side of your face.

742. Groom your cat in public places, with your tongue.

743. After eating something, stick your tongue out like Gene Simmons

744. Make phallic snow sculptures in your front yard

745. Pronounce every letter in each word. Try words like "photograph" or "griot."

746. Ask people for ways to be annoying and then never add them to your list of them. Whoops.

747. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

748. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

749. Sing along at the opera.

750. Accuse everyone you see of being Communist.

751. End every sentence with trite phrase, like "you know" or "and stuff".

752. Get a tattoo of a lightning bolt on your forehead.

753. Argue over whether to use 6's & 4's, 2's & 3's, or 5's when keeping score for euchre.

754. Randomly walk into large objects, like door frames, poles, whatever.

755. Respond to everything with, "Is that your final answer?"

756. Repeatedly smash the armrest on your chair in an airplane so the entire row shakes.

757. Wear camouflage pants and ask everyone where your legs went.

758. Spell "you're" y-o-u-r because you're too stupid to know otherwise.

759. Spontaneously break out into song and scold others for not knowing the words.

760. Create a hard copy of this list, printing in colors like yellow, lime green, fuchsia, or any combination of these.

761. E-mail this page's URL to everyone you know (or don't know, for that matter).

762. Stand at the pizza bar eating the pepperonis off each slice.

763. Articulate your belches.

764. When the gang is getting videos, insist on The Three Amigos.

765. Drum on every available surface.

766. Vividly describe a hysterectomy when the entree arrives.

767. Scrawl your signature on important documents.

768. Sit in the home team bleachers and cheer for the other team.

769. Make fun of men who cry. (Not nice)

770. Make up statistics to convince people when arguing.

771. Open gift checks at weddings and announce the amount.

772. Recommend untrustworthy auto mechanics.

773. Refuse collect calls from your family.

774. Alternately raise and lower your voice to make people question their hearing.

775. Be known for you sesquipedalianism.

776. Don't tell vegetarians about any meat in the food you prepare.

777. Call your friends during the Super Bowl to talk about your problems.

778. Tape record all of your phone conversations and play them back for friends.

779. Have a "Clergy on Call" sign made for your front windshield.

780. Dance fast to slow music and vice versa.

781. Don't stand during hymns and anthems.

782. Open the casket for "one last look".

783. Get into heated arguments about the weather.

784. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus.

785. Whistle a happy tune - over and over.

786. Give out your friends' unlisted numbers.

787. Brush dandruff off of other people's shoulders.

788. Make your kids stand at attention every morning.

789. Put a too cute message on your answering machine.

790. Support the death penalty... for parking violations.

791. Be ambiguous; It lets you work both sides of an issue.

792. Crash private meetings with a big smile on your face.

793. When it says, "Reserved Parking," that means you.

794. Develop at least three strategies for cutting to the front of lines.

795. Jump into every photograph you can.

796. Ask your parents and grandparents how much they intend to leave you.

797. Withdraw "taxes" from your kid's piggy bank.

798. Serve fish with the head still attached.

799. Touch strangers.

800. Get up early and take your neighbors newspaper.

801. Complain about daylight savings time, long after the switch.

802. Feed the animals in the zoo, they especially like Crackerjacks.

803. Ask people how they are, but don't wait for a response.

804. Remind friends of stupid things they did ten years ago.

805. Cover your furniture in plastic and never clean it again.

806. Drive fast and as near the sidewalks as possible.

807. Ask if the present is returnable.

808. Say the coffee is decaf when it isn't.

809. Give distances in kilometers.

810. Tell everyone that they should be in therapy.

811. Flirt with a friend's spouse.

812. Keep asking, "Are we there yet?"

813. Come up with some of your own ideas to annoy people.

814. Be creative with them. Starting with #815.












826. Read you list out loud in public

827. Read my list out loud in public

828. Use some of your ways for real.(Don't sue me if you get in trouble)

829. Email them to your friends

830. Use repeated ways like I do.

831. Copy my ideas just Like I did from other sites.

832. Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet.

833. Don't sign your greeting cards.

834. Make fun of all accents.

835. Redefine a new user's computer prompt to say: SPANK ME.

836. Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

837. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

838. Fax a paper loop.

839. Bring a jar of lightning bugs into the movie theater.

840. Never flush, that others may admire your accomplishments.

841. Insist on keeping all your stationary in the fridge.

842. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

843. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

844. Try to fit a 7 inch tall sandwich into your mouth.

845. Give away the ending of the movie.

846. Permanently install as wallpaper for someone's computer desktop a scan of the cover of Prince's Lovesexy album.

847. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

848. Test the echo properties of your shower with Axl Rose impressions.

849. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

850. The Beavis laugh.

851. The Butthead laugh.

852. Bring your taxidermy hobby along to the office.

853. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

854. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

855. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

856. Wear your pants backwards.

857. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

858. Discuss your various piercings in intimate detail.

859. Construct small animal figures at dinner with toothpicks and tater tots.

860. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

861. Keep National Geographic map supplements such as Trade Routes of the Inuit in your car's glove compartment.

862. Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

863. Leave someone printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

864. Paint the side of your house with a giant eyeball.

865. Leave little puddles on the toilet seat.

866. Use perfume inserts from magazines as bookmarks.

867. Hold long-winded debates about:
o whether January 1st, 2000, is really in the 21st century.
o whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Brutus" or "Bluto".
o whether water drains backwards in Australia.
o whether vinyl records sound better than CD's.
o what would happen if the Coyote dropped his Acme Instant Hole on top of himself.
o which axis is the "abscissa" and which is the "ordinate".
o details of the floor plan of the Brady Bunch's house.
o what would happen if gravity reversed.
o whether some infinite numbers are bigger than others.
o whether tomatoes are vegetables.
o whether 2 plus 2 is actually 5 in distant galaxies.
o the International Date Line

868. Pronounce potato poe-TAH-toe, and tomato toe-MAH-toe.

869. Teach your parakeet to poop on command.

870. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

871. Wear hot-pink eye shadow.

872. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

873. Bring a bushel bag of coupons to the grocery store and demand their total cash value.

874. Order a hamburger without the meat.

875. Order a taco without the shell.

876. Order a pizza without the crust.

877. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

878. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your tv and then pointing it at the screen.

879. Repeat all of Bob Saget's jokes to your co-workers.

880. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

881. Sit at the front of the lecture hall and clip your toenails.

882. Install only 20-watt light bulbs.

883. Write long, ominous letters to the editor demanding that NASA bomb Mars.

884. Make a heraldic coat-of-arms for each of your pets, including fish.

885. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

886. Tape pieces of Sweatin' to the oldies over climatic parts of rental movies.

887. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

888. Keep hissing cockroaches as pets.

889. Wear your beeper to a wedding.

890. Purchase a 50,000 candle-power flashlight, and while away many an evening from a high-story window by spotlighting the butts of passers-by.

891. Cruise around the neighborhood listening to the Carpenters at top volume.

892. Cross-post all news messages to rec.pets.cats.

893. Write Bible verses on your face.

894. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

895. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

896. Before swallowing Jello, squish and slosh it around in your mouth until it's thoroughly liquified.

897. Leave random, clipped Ann Lander's columns on co-workers' desks, as if suggesting they could benefit from the advice.

898. Insist on brushing your teeth every five minutes.

899. Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

900. Hold a life-size magazine photo of a face over your own, and waggle your tongue through a hole where the mouth is.

901. Make your wine glass "scream" by rubbing a moistened finger over its rim.

902. Freeze bugs in ice cubes.

903. Vaguely insinuate that someone's toothbrush or comb was dropped in the toilet.

904. Drive half a block.

905. Sprinkle grass clippings on your head and inform the neighbors you are a "Lawn Goddess".

906. Push the end of the scotch tape flush against the roll.

907. Glue change to the floor.

908. Install twenty mysterious-looking antennas on your car.

909. Inform your friends, frequently and at length, how good it feels to be done with your final exams.

910. Name your dog "Dog".

911. Hand out business cards identifying you as the "Maestro of Mirth".

912. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

913. Wander through the shoe department sniffing the merchandise.

914. Claim that you must always wear a football helmet as part of your "astronaut training".

915. Turn your eyelids inside-out.

916. Stare intently at someone while scribbling in a small notebook. Conceal it quickly and whistle absently if approached.

917. Wear an overcoat and dark sunglasses to church.

918. Pick the lima beans out of your dinner and play "flick football" with them.

919. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

920. Occasionally whisper to others that you are entrusted with "nuclear secrets".

921. Practice hog calling in a tile bathroom.

922. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

923. Insist on being the first to sniff fresh mimeograph sheets.

924. When visiting someone's home, fish for change under their sofa cushions. Elaborately display any embarrassing items you uncover.

925. Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.

926. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

927. Insinuate that someone has something stuck to their back.

928. Ask for change for a dime.

929. Pop an entire sheet of plastic bubble wrap while sitting in the library.

930. Lick all of someone's stamps.

931. Use' lot's of 'extra' apostrophe's in you're writ'ing.

932. Use Roman numerals instead of regular numbers.

933. Accuse people of "gluesniffing addictions" in public.

934. Torment siblings with vivid recollections of all family get-togethers where they threw up.

935. Spend an entire weekend test-driving riding mowers.

936. Growl like a pirate and address everyone as "matey".

937. Stand outside the window of a restaurant and stare at people eating.

938. Hang out every day at a waterbed store wearing an old Navy uniform.

939. Eat cereal out of the boxes in the grocery store.

940. Highlight irrelevant information in textbooks.

941. Assemble a collection of EXIT signs.

942. Frequently become mesmerized by shiny objects.

943. Serve only nachos for Thanksgiving.

944. Steer every conversation, no matter how irrelevant, toward a discussion of the presidency of Millard Filmore.

945. When dining out, engage in graphics discussions of medieval prostate surgery.

946. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

947. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

948. When dining in polite society, scuplt yourself a Santa Claus beard from mashed potatoes.

949. Insist that your swordfish be netted, not hooked.

950. Construct an elaborate canal system in your front yard.

951. Run in circles around a streetlight like a human moth.

952. Grow out your nose hair and braid it.

953. Teach your parrot to answer the phone and put people on hold.

954. Turn street signs ninety degrees.

955. Mail a letter with 32 one-cent stamps.

956. Assure little kids that they can, in fact, be sucked down the bathtub drain.

957. Instead of a stapler or paper clips, use duct tape or chewing gum.

958. Push all the elevator buttons.

959. Build an anatomically-correct snowman.

960. Spell your name strangely, such as Jhonne Psmythe, and sue those who misspell it.

961. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

962. Interrupt people's sentences to inform them of non-existant food stuck in their teeth.

963. Avoid normal text characters, and |_|s3 B1ff sp3/\k \/\/ |-| 3 |\| P0sT1|\|g, |<00l |>00|>.

964 Practice the delicate art of picking up pieces of food from your plate by slurping out and sucking in a particularly sticky "loogie".

965. Shave one eyebrow.

966. Cook pasta with cold water.

967. Ask people what year it is, and exclaim "Why I'm not even born yet!"

968. Giggle hysterically at the saddest part of a movie.

969. Smile constantly.

970. "Rap" everything someone says.

971. Cross out the names and reuse old Christmas cards.

972. Keep howler monkeys and screech owls as apartment pets.

973. Order printed transcripts of gameshows.

974. Do your calculus homework with a leaky fountain pen.

975. Switch the keycaps on someone's keyboard. Better yet, switch the key definitions in the computer.

976. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

977. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

978. Excuse yourself from the dinner table to use the bathroom, flush four times, and when returning, explain "man, that whopper just wouldn't go down."

979. Practice making flatulence noises with your hands.

980. Hold a blade of grass between both thumbs and blow on it to produce a piercing shriek.

981. Stare at the menu with a puzzled expression, and repeatedly ask the waitress, "Zoo you haf zee eels en flambe?"

982. Take pictures of your feet, and give them as Christmas gifts.

983. Insist on squeezing the last 0.1% of the toothpaste out of the tube.

984. Grunt whenever someone sits down.

985. Tell teenagers how things were in your day.

986. Suck in spaghetti one strand at a time.

987. Pour your soup on your entree "as gravy".

988. Fill your front lawn with large home-made metal sculptures.

989. Chew your ice.

990. In a movie theater, turn around and instead watch the people sitting behind you.

991. Wear a LOT of cologne.

992. Tie your tie so that it appears only 5 inches long.

993. Root, vocally, for the other team.

994. Have a little contest to see whose tongue looks the grossest on the bottom.

995. Write messages in meadows with a bag of fertilizer.

996. Plant your ice cold fingers on someone's stomach.

997. Ask to "interface" with someone.

998. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

999. Make sonar pinging noises when someone approaches you.

1000. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar", or the Mr. Rogers neighborhood theme

1001. Write a check for 48 cents.

1002. Hang out at Hickory Farms consuming all the sample trays.

1003. Proclaim yourself the Czeckoslovenian ambassador, open a storefront embassy, and see how many state dinners you can crash.

1004. See how few legs you can balance your chair on, and act surprised when you eventually fall over backwards.

1005. Sing along at the opera.

1006. See how many straws you can connect end-to-end in a chain and still consume a beverage with the apparatus.

1007. Mow your lawn with scissors.

1008. Carry a pet chicken with you at all times and claim it is your "spiritual advisor".

1009. Fill the bathtub each evening and play with your radio-controlled "navy".

1010. Wear a blank nametag.

1011. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

1012. Conduct pet weddings.

1013. Wear green or black lipstick.

1014. Frown, sniff the air, and ask someone, "Is that you?"

1015. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

1016. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

1017. Attach diskettes to the fridge with magnets.

1018. For a festive atmosphere, sprinkle glitter everywhere you go.

1019. Marry yourself.

1020. Vehemently insist that the cosine of any number is negative zero.

1021. Whenever a co-worker sneezes or coughs, make elaborate waving motions at them, and explain that you have a "gift of healing".

1022. Plant dandelions.

1023. Use inappropriate nouns as verbs.

1024. Capitalize words Randomnly.

1025. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

1026. Drop superballs down stairwells.

1027. Tag pigeons with transmitters and track their movements in your local park.

1028. Sell potato chips in the desert.

1029. Ask Santa for condoms.

1030. When given change, bit it suspiciously to make sure it's not hollow.

1031. Make new friends by leaving a trail of Reese's Pieces to your door.

1032. As part of your Christmas display this year, include half a dozen searchlights.

1033. Eat peas one at a time.

1034. Click your click eraser in and out...in and out...in and out until you are assaulted.

1035. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

1036. Ask a plastic surgeon for:
o a second nose.
o earlobe implants.
o butt implants.
o an extra thumb on your forehead to keep your glasses on.
o hair on your eyelids.
o a tracheal harmonica.
o an extra joint in your arm.
o vampire fangs.
o a second bellybutton on your big toe.
o a drink holder on your knee.
o antlers.
o glow-in-the-dark armpit hair.
o a nostril-implanted pencil sharpener.
o all of the above!

1037. Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket".

1038. Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

1039. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

1040. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

1041. Change your name to Robert Oot in hopes of getting the username "root".

1042. Demand the right to perform animal sacrifices during exams.

1043. Drop a test tube, and run from the room screaming "The killer flu is loose! We're all doomed!"

1044. Bet a drinking buddy a quarter you can down his entire drink without touching it. If he accepts, announce "I lose", slap a quarter down, and consume his three dollar drink.

1045. Fidget constantly.

1046. Demand that all your diskettes be replaced by those who use them in the little plastic baggies in which you bought them.

1047. In the back of a crowded room, announce "I see London, I see France..."

1048. For your party, rent free tapes from the public service section of the video store. Show "Hepatitus and You" and "Our Friend Tungsten".

1049. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

1050. Never make eye contact.

1051. Never break eye contact.

1052. Take snapshots of roadkill.

1053. Insist on saving 1,672 back issues of TV Guide because
o you may have missed a few of the puzzles.
o they might be worth something someday.
o they're keeping the stack of 153 National Geographics from falling over.
o sometime you might want to see what used to be on.
o moving them might dramatically change the structural dynamics of your house.
o they have sentimental value.
o you could swear one of them had an article in it somewhere about your Uncle Joe
o the vermin now inhabiting them are far too icky to risk touching.
o the kids might need them for doing reports.

1054. Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger."

1055. Refer to yourself as "Coach."

1056. Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified.

1057. Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3 AM "to discuss old times".

1058. Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure the plane departs at 5 AM and the tickets are non-refundable. Point out that you didn't really save them any money.

1059. Honk and wave to strangers.

1060. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

1061. Rouse your roommate/spouse from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

1062. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

1063. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

1064. Sing along at the opera.

1065. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

1066. When asked to do things, repeat the instructions to the body parts involved. (i.e.. "Hand, will you please open the door.")

1067. When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be necessary where you are going."

1068. Wait until you get to work to shave.

1069. Tell small children that they don't look very promising.

1070. Signal Left; Turn right.

1071. Help fools part with their money.

1072. Practice the art of limp handshakes.

1073. Pay tolls with $50 bills.

1074. Give little kids clothes for their birthday.

1075. Talk with your hand over your mouth.

1076. Fire people over the phone.

1077. Wear jeans to a wedding.

1078. Ask people what they paid for their clothes.

1079. Don't sign your checks.

1080. Rake leaves into your neighbor's yard.

1081. Develop a convenient memory.

1082. Remind people that their freckles could be cancerous.

1083. Ask people how much they make.

1084. Leave the concerts during a solo or before the clapping starts.

1085. Leave price tags on presents.

1086. Blow out other people's birthday candles.

1087. Assume everyone agrees with you, but keep trying to convince them.

1088. Pledge money that you won't send.

1089. Reserve compliments for people who can do you some good.

1090. Touch the paintings at museums.

1091. Threaten lawsuits.

1092. Gamble with rent money.

1093. Bribe kids, they are easy.

1094. Play records with a paper cone.

1095. At the polls suggest to other voters that they vote for your favorite candidate twice.

1096. Lie to your therapist and sit in their chair.

1097. Leave your shopping cart on line at the checkout, then go shopping.

1098. Quote Adolf Hitler.

1099. Open the ash Urn at the funeral and drop some cigarette ash in it.

1100. Recite this whole list out in public for people to hear.

Sheeeeesh! This is my longest list on my webpage.
Well, don't worry, you're finally at the bottom of it.

Check the time on your clock. I bet a whole lot of your time was wasted reading this lol.